From Misery to Ministry
I think it is important to first address the seriousness of this public health crisis. Everyone is affected by sexual violence. One out of every six American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime (14.8% completed, 2.8% attempted). Statistically, every sixty eight seconds another American is sexually assaulted. Meanwhile, only twenty five out of every thousand perpetrators will end up in prison. Additionally, researchers know the numbers are underestimated because more than two out of three cases go unreported….like mine.
Being aware of the statistics can help the public better understand crimes of sexual violence and potentially save a life. To use another person's body and ignore the soul that resides within it, is the most egregious crime a person can commit against another. A rape victim is often left feeling like a part of them has been torn apart. The feeling stays with them, the victim may have a sense that the crime is continuously occurring.
The version of me from before my sexual assault doesn't exist anymore; I died that day. Sometimes I feel like I let her down. I wish I could go back in time and protect her. I think about her and miss her from time to time, the girl I used to be. She went on walks without fear, didn’t check her closet and under the bed for “monsters”, slept peacefully through the night, saw the best in people first, didn’t know what rock bottom felt like, didn’t jump at the slightest things, and her heart didn’t race when she saw a red baseball cap. She was blissfully unaware of the pain she would experience.
That Night and the Following Months:
I guess the look of horror and fear on my face that night was taken as a “yes.” It rained that night. I clearly remember the storm, the lightning and thunder. I remember saying something aloud about it, but my words didn’t mean anything that night. So only I heard “it’s raining.” Raindrops rolled down the window and tears rolled down my face as I felt my spirit leaving the temple that once was my body. I had done nothing wrong, but I apologized; I’m sorry Father, have mercy, where are you? I was angry, I felt abandoned by the one I had put my trust in for practically my entire life. I’ve replayed the small bits and pieces I can remember so many times. It is like someone took a hole punch to my memory of that night. Only small fragments of that night remain; flashes of lighting and booming thunder. I struggled for months trying to decide if it would be better to remember or forget.
Why am I different? Why did he pick me? Was it my fault? Those are questions I asked myself when I woke up the next day and for months after. Do you know what it’s like to look in the mirror and not know who is looking back? Who is that? I didn’t have those bruises on my lips, legs, and arms when I gave myself the once over before leaving the house last night. Surely that is not me. The blood shot eyes, smeared makeup, and strange ache all over. The broken spirit. That would never happen to me. I wasn’t dead but I was hanging by a thread. When I looked in the mirror I was not a whole person. I kept remembering, my mind had no pity on me. What some can only imagine in their worst nightmare was my gruesome reality. I hit the ground hard. I blamed myself for that night for a long time and my self hatred grew more everyday. I was not responsible for what happened but in the following months, I chose to cope through very unhealthy behaviors. I wanted more reasons to hate myself. Things felt so unfair. It seemed so cruel that the sun would shine and birds would chirp on days that were so dark for me. People didn't know I just had the worst day of my life. How could they? I had classes to go to, gamedays, birthday parties, holidays, etc. I was angry that life went on as normal for everyone else while I wanted my life to end.
“Justice”:
“Righteousness and justice are the foundation of your throne; steadfast love and faithfulness go before you.” Psalm 89:14. God is always just; it is His character. I woke up the next day, stripped the sheets off my bed, and took a shower. Any evidence was washed away and I drove home through teary eyes, broken. I have pictures from that night and I still have the outfit I wore. It took me over a year to tearfully wash the dirt off the boots I wore that night. I talked to my therapist about getting rid of it all because it sends shivers down my spine every time I look at it for a second too long. I think I have held onto the pictures and outfit for so long because I don’t remember much of anything; they are my “proof.” I ultimately will never get justice, but God has comforted me because I know He is the only righteous judge, and that person will be dealt with accordingly. I also trust that whatever righteous retribution my heavenly Father might bestow on that person will probably be far more than the justice system here on earth would have given me anyway.
Spiritual Warfare:
Sometimes He must take you back to the place you first encountered Him. On your knees broken and recognizing that you cannot do it, whatever it may be, without Him. God allows us to experience low points in our life to teach us lessons that we could learn in no other way. Initially I felt anger toward God and shame because of that. I felt dirty, unworthy, and broken. I was spiraling, everything felt out of control. There were quite a few days and nights when the only thing I felt like I could control was whether or not I stayed living and breathing on this earth. I was so angry that I didn’t just die that day. I thought that it would have been better to die than to live everyday with the broken memories of what I’ve gone through. I was under great pressure, far beyond my ability to endure alone, so much so that I despaired of life itself. I felt I had received a death sentence. This happened so that I might not rely on myself but on God, who raises the dead. God kept waking me up each day for a reason. He was clearly not finished with me yet and He has given me the strength to endure every day since. He walked with me, when I actually got out of bed, through my darkest days. He walked by me so closely in order for me to understand His truths inside and out. I could be honest with God about my feelings. I was not dirty or any less worthy of His love, mercy, and grace. I was in fact broken, but that’s okay because from there He showed me what He can really do with brokenness. He loves me because of who He is, not because of anything I have or have not done.
Community:
In the very beginning I isolated myself from others. The shame I carried made me feel like I was better off alone, which is exactly where the devil wanted me. When the only voice you’re hearing is one that lies continually, it is hard to heal. The lies I was being fed were that it was my fault, what I had endured was far too much for my friends to bear with me, nobody would understand, and that I was a burden. I held onto all of the pain on my own and it became heavy very quickly. I was weighed down for so long with my shame and feelings of worthlessness. I was so broken. I needed people to help build me back up and remind me of truth. November of 2021 it finally became too much to carry alone, and I broke down. I was so tired and wanted to end it all. I had to become vulnerable and let others see me at my worst. At that time in my life I believed that I had been abandoned by God and I was running away from His love. Through the people around me He showed His love for me. Just like God's love, my community expressed no judgment, there was patience, kindness, and relentless pursuit. They sought to serve and love me right where I was in my brokenness. They have cried with me, prayed with me, always seem to check in on me when I need it most, stay up late listening to my ramblings and revelations, send me messages filled with encouragement and truth, and they let me be angry and sad in moments where those emotions need to be felt. They are proud of me, and I have no doubt they have petitioned on my behalf to God for healing. I have been so blessed, and if you’re reading this as one of my people, thank you so much. Thank you for living out God’s love for me when I was running from it.
Revelations:
A Mosaic
There are four main components needed to make a mosaic: Base, Tesserae, Adhesive, and Grout. Usually when making a mosaic you carefully cut the Tesserae into specific shapes, but I was recklessly shattered into a bunch of tiny pieces, and some went missing. The base I chose to build on was isolation. I tried to fill in the missing pieces with self-destructive coping mechanisms, and holding onto my anger was the unreliable adhesive. I was not a very pretty mosaic. I had to break all over again to let go of all the lies, anger, self-destruction, and isolation. My missing pieces were gone, and I was afraid I would never be whole again. I found my base kneeling at the feet of Jesus. God's glory filled in the missing spaces, and encouragement from my community became my adhesive. In my weakness and deficit, His glory appears. Grout solidifies the mosaic and makes it strong enough to withstand tensions. God’s promise that I would be made new is my grout. “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” 2 Corinthians 5:17. In my brokenness, I am now more beautiful than I was before. I lost the piece of myself that thought I needed to be perfect, to be worthy of love, the piece that had put off seeking community because of past hurt, the piece that thought my plans were best, the piece that assumed I was strong enough to do things alone, and the piece that did not rely solely on God. So now looking back, what did I really lose? I have gained so much more. My best shiny new pieces of Tesserae are Jesus, and His light will shine through me for the rest of my life.
The Storm
I read through Job. I resonated with the aftermath of Job losing everything in chapters 29-42. In chapter 29, Job cries out to God saying he doesn’t understand why God would allow all those bad things to happen because he had always been so faithful to God. I felt the exact same way after everything happened. Like Job, I felt somewhat abandoned by God, who I’ve loved, served, and praised for practically my whole life. I cried out to God for months wondering what I had done wrong to deserve what happened; I was angry. After Job cries out to God, Elihu goes to Job and defends God. He talks about how righteous, powerful, and intentional God is about everything He does and how it is impossible for Job to comprehend why God does what He does.
I had my revelation when I read chapter 36; Elihu is talking to Job about how God orchestrates storms. It was a crazy parallel for me because one of the only things I remember from that night was the storm. Chapter 36 is talking about how every drop of rain has intent, God arranges the clouds, He fills His hands with lightning and commands it to strike its mark. He was there that night even though I felt like He wasn’t. I don’t remember much besides looking out the window and seeing rain or lightning. I even said out loud “it’s raining.” So now looking back, the main thing I remember from that night actually was God through the storm. “Listen carefully to the thunder of God’s voice as it rolls from his mouth. It rolls across the heavens, and his lightning flashes in every direction. Then comes the roaring of the thunder— the tremendous voice of his majesty. He does not restrain it when he speaks. God’s voice is glorious in the thunder. We can’t even imagine the greatness of his power” Job 37:2-5. I heard His voice that night through thunder, and on some of my darkest days since then it always seems to rain. Every drop of rain has intention. He comes down to Earth through rain to literally touch me and remind me how near He is. He was there and made sure I heard Him despite all the other events happening around me. He was making His presence known through every lightning strike and crack of thunder. He did not abandon me. He was there the entire time. Job eventually praised God amid his sorrow. The things he lost were restored for God’s glory and the same has happened in my life.
Jesus Raised Me from the Dead
In John 11, we learn the story of Lazarus. He was one of Jesus’s closest friends and Jesus knew he was unwell:
“Now a man named Lazarus was sick. He was from Bethany, the village of Mary and her sister Martha. So, the sisters sent word to Jesus, “Lord, the one you love is sick.” When he heard this, Jesus said, “This will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.”
People kept going to Him to tell him his friend needed to be healed. He knew about the circumstances but allowed Lazarus to pass away because He knew that his death and ultimate resurrection would bring God more glory than Him going to heal his friend while he was still living, he waited four days after Lazarus had passed so there could be no question whether or not he was truly dead. He wanted this miracle to be obvious. Life is so precious to Him and although He knew Lazarus would rise once again, Jesus still wept. It broke his heart to no longer feel His friends' presence. In John 11:38-44 it reads:
“Jesus, once more deeply moved, came to the tomb. It was a cave with a stone laid across the entrance. ‘Take away the stone,’ he said. ‘But, Lord,’ said Martha, the sister of the dead man, ‘by this time there is a bad odor, for he has been there four days.’ Then Jesus said, ‘Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?’” So they took away the stone. Then Jesus looked up and said, “‘Father, I thank you that you have heard me. I knew that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me.’ When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, ‘Lazarus, come out!’ The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face. Jesus said to them, ‘Take off the grave clothes and let him go.’”
Like Lazarus, I have died. God allowed my “death” so that I might be raised again to walk in a new light, for His glory be shown. I know that like the loss of His friend Lazarus, it broke God’s heart to see me experience the hardships I did, but He allowed this for a reason. My perseverance to live is proof of His power. This will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.
Victim to Victor:
I experienced a great loss of self. It hurt greatly to lose the girl I used to be because I didn’t choose to lose her—she was taken from me. I still struggle with phrases like "it made you stronger" or "you’re better now because of what you’ve been through." Because in my mind I would have still been a kind, compassionate, and strong person if that never happened. If strength is what I earned, I would've rather stayed "weak." My trauma did not give me any strength whatsoever. In fact, the trauma made me so incredibly weak. I was alive but I was barely living. I wanted to die. It was God who gave me strength. God turned the trauma into truth. That's when my new life began. I am simply a weak person with a very strong God.
The girl I was just three years ago doesn’t exist anymore. The new me was completely rebuilt by Jesus. Those events are now a part of my testimony. What I went through made me a different person. The healing I’m choosing to go through now will make me a different person again. I am always changing, but now I decide. It’s hard for me to not talk about what happened. Not because I want people to feel pity, sadness, or worry for me, but because I can’t help but want to brag about how God has changed my life over the past few years.
Today:
So what have I gained from loss? Before this life changing event I lived a pretty “normal life.” I had your everyday worries and anxiety, but nothing truly bad had ever happened in my life. It’s strange to acknowledge and ultimately say that I’m thankful for what happened to me. Sleepless nights spent holding my tear stained Bible to my chest. Weeks of isolating myself. Days when I could barely move, eat, and speak. So many moments when I thought I'd only find true rest in a casket. Without those times I would not be able to empathize with so many of you that have been in my place. Maybe you have not experienced the same loss of self, but loss is a universal experience. It’s like I’ve been given X-ray vision to see right through people’s weird pretenses of perfection and look at the heart. I see the pain, brokenness, desperation, loneliness, and I am able to truly empathize. I can passionately pursue people. I will not let them go through loss alone. Everyone is suffering. We must love and care for others deeply.
I hope that reading my story might cause you to dive deeper to find where God’s hand is in your struggles; it is there. Find it and hold on tightly, He will do the rest. I hope you’ll appreciate the intentionality of rain, clouds, thunder, and lightning a little more. I hope you’re encouraged to be more vulnerable. Let people in, maybe that person needs your friendship just as much as you do. I hope that when the devil tries to occupy your thoughts with bad moments from the past, you will realize that he is trying to distract you from what God has in store for your future. There is a purpose in your pain. This is not the end of my story; it is still being written, and so is yours.
Intended for Good:
Through healing I now see all things as Intended for Good! I want to share my story of healing and the stories of so many other extraordinary people. I hope you’ll find community on my page. The goal is to honor the testimonies of our storytellers and bring glory to God by sharing the good news of the gospel through extraordinary stories of God’s goodness. It is my desire that through the sharing of these testimonies people will come out of isolation to find community and connect with people over shared experiences. Fear and shame silenced my voice, until the day I realized I had done nothing wrong. The guilt and the shame were never mine. I cannot change the past, the event to which I succumbed. But I can focus on the present and change what is to come. I know what it’s like to feel worthless and as much as it depends on me, I don’t want anyone to ever feel how I did. God has restored my spirit and I’ll fight alongside Him for myself and others. Not for a minute was I forsaken. I’ve been made new and will continue to praise Him.
1 Corinthians 9:22-23 , “When I am with those who are weak, I share their weakness, for l want to bring the weak to Christ. Yes, I try to find common ground with everyone, doing everything I can to save some. l do everything to spread the Good News and share in its blessings..”
Psalm 89:14 , “Righteousness and justice are the foundation of your throne; steadfast love and faithfulness go before you.”
Ecclesiastes 1:9 , “What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun..”
Job 37:2-5 , “Listen carefully to the thunder of God’s voice as it rolls from his mouth. It rolls across the heavens, and his lightning flashes in every direction. Then comes the roaring of the thunder— the tremendous voice of his majesty. He does not restrain it when he speaks. God’s voice is glorious in the thunder. We can’t even imagine the greatness of his power.”
2 Corinthians 1:8-9 , “We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.”
1 Corinthians 5:17 , “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come..”
Genesis 50:20 , “What may have been “intended to harm me, God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”
Psalm 119:71 , “My suffering was good for me, for it taught me to pay attention to your decrees.”
2 Kings 20:5 , “I have heard your prayer: I have seen your tears. Behold, I will heal you.”
Romans 8:18 , “The pain that you’ve been feeling can’t compare to the joy that’s coming your way.”
Psalm 145:5-7 , “I will meditate on the glorious splendor of Your majesty, and on Your wondrous works. Men shall speak of the might of Your awesome acts, and I will declare Your greatness. They shall utter the memory of Your great goodness, and shall sing of Your righteousness.”
1 Chronicles 16:34 , “Oh, give thanks to the Lord, for He is good! For His mercy endures forever.”
